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Beware of the Nineties
IF you can remember the Nineties, you weren't there.
Nobody ever says that.
I remember the Nineties. I was there. You probably were too. They were rubbish.
Football didn't come home. New Labour turned into old Conservatives. Britpop gave us Menswear. And Jennifer Aniston's bob was never a hairdo. It was always a hair-don't.
That was the Nineties.
If the past is a different country, the Foreign Office should issue a warning about the decade that gave us Mr Blobby.
"Visiting is a danger to your credibility."
Yet, here we are, less than 10 years on – not even enough time for the scars to have healed – and, according to taste-makers, we're already heading into a revival.
Forget the recession – another Nineties throwback, incidently – this is far more terrifying. I mean, New Kids On The Block are back.
I'm not interested in the Chancellor defending his economic record and reforms, I want to know how these chancers can defend reforming and recording.
They're not New, they're not Kids, and the only Block they should be on is the executioner's. For crimes against history, for forcing us to relive it.
An over-reaction perhaps but if we don't act soon, we'll end up with Chris Evans back on screen.
Don't Forget Your Toothbrush? I've tried to, I've tried so very hard. That piece of non-tertainment hasn't been rescheduled. Yet. It's probably only a matter of time.
Beverly Hills 90210, This Life and Gladiators (with no Jet) have all made comebacks.
And Friends? Well, that never went away.
Old Friends episodes don't die, they repeat forever on E4.
The musical returns are as bad.
Take That have been creating nostalgia among women whose idea of knowing better is deciding Jason, rather than Mark, is the sexy one. The Verve, whose split caused massive indifference, have had a number one album. And Oasis are back with Liam Gallagher still insisting they're the best band in the world. What world, Liam?
With Damon Albarn doing something (it's not Blur so nobody's interested) and Suede's Brett Anderson releasing a solo record, it's like Britpop never went away.
How long before Menswear reunite? Not long enough, is the answer.
And yet...
Perhaps I'm bitter. This, after all, was a time before the four horsemen of the cultural apocalypse: Facebook, Heat magazine, Big Brother and Jordan.
And there was Partridge, Radiohead, Lock Stock and, of course, Jet to keep spirits up.
Can a decade which included those really have been that bad?
Yes, actually.
It was a post-Smiths, pre-Strokes age where MP3 was an Einstein equation gone wrong.
It was a post-mod, pre polka-dot dress decade which shouldn't just be consigned to history, it should be made to go back somewhere before the 1940s.
The Nineties: if you can remember them without a shudder, you weren't there.
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Friday 10 February 2012
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