It might be the season of goodwill to all men (and women) but the advice is exercise caution before getting stuck into the festive frivolities.

It's all to do with the threat of swine flu. Spread Christmas cheer by all means, but don't spread germs.

And the best way to avoid the potential dangers of an embrace under the traditional greenery is to ensure that there is strictly no lip contact.

You might well think this is a joke, of the kind you'd find in a Christmas cracker. But it's perfectly serious.

A list of yuletide dos and don'ts has been drawn up by etiquette advisers Debrett's and alongside the customary advice on avoiding a social faux pas, they are also encouraging partygoers to be health aware.

The secret of seasonal success is a well-executed cheek-to-cheek brush – much healthier than a handshake (unless you happen to have some of that germ-zapping gel).

Just imagine, I had never realised there were potential dangers lurking under the mistletoe – apart from attracting the unwanted and over-amorous attentions of someone you'd rather not, of course.

It strikes me that Christmas is fast becoming one big accident just waiting to happen.

There's the lights for starters – strong possibly of electrocution when you switch on for the first time, don't you know?

Then the turkey – if you wash it out you'll spread salmonella all over the kitchen surfaces and you and your guests will be watching the Queen's speech from the comfort of a hospital bed.

Choking hazards abound, apparently. What about the killer sixpence in the Christmas pudding? Or what if you're lucky enough to find a whistle in your cracker, can't resist the temptation to blow it and then end up with it lodged in your throat?

Or what if you're sitting by the Christmas tree, admiring its decorations and it falls over on top of you? Or what if the Christmas cards on the mantelpiece spontaneously combust and set fire to the paper chains you have strung across the ceiling?

Or what if you die a death from a thousand paper cuts while wrapping/opening presents?

And don't even get me started on the risks of that chubby bloke trying to wriggle down the chimney. Even if he makes it without encountering broken limbs or third-degree burns, who knows what bacteria and cultures he could be treading around on the carpet?

Really, it's all far too scary to contemplate and I'm wondering whether health and safety experts might like to consider a blanket ban on all things Christmas.

My advice is to stay put, lock the door and wrap yourself in cotton wool. But only if you're not allergic to it.