Harrogate Comedy Festival: Tell us a joke

Harrogate Comedy Festival star Phil Jupitus.

The stars of comedy are truly coming out at the festival, which runs from October 5 -18.

Ross Noble, Ruby Wax and Chris Ramsey are among those performing in venues across the town as the festival aims to give the legendary Edinburgh Fringe a run for its money.

To celebrate, we are calling on our funniest readers their time in the spotlight.

No matter the opinion of your other half, friends or dog - we want to hear your jokes.

Nothing blue please, folks - this is a family newspaper - as submissions will be printed in next week’s edition and online where possible.

Email your submissions to [email protected] or [email protected] by noon on Monday, October 6.

Graham Chalmers, Weekend Editor said: “Harrogate Comedy Festival was so great from the start, I started calling Harrogate the ‘comedy capital of the north’, which seemed a joke at the time. But Harrogate Theatre has done such a brilliant job with such fantastic line-ups since then.”

Chief Executive of Harrogate Theatre David Bown said: “This year’s Harrogate Comedy Festival is bigger and better than ever before. It’s immense. I am genuinely taken aback by how much momentum it has gained both in the industry and nationwide.

“Some of the most exciting new acts and biggest names will be performing in venues all over town.”

Weekend man Graham will join News Editor Alex Johnston and Sport Editor Ed White to help judge the Comedian of the Year contest at Harrogate Studio Theatre. And we will also be running reviews from the the festival.

To get you inspired, ‘Advertiser Series columnist Tom Taylor has selected a few of his all-time favourite one-liners - plus one of his own, below.

Make sure you include your name and a contact phone number.

• Steven Wright: “I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

• Tommy Cooper: “Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.”

• Tom Taylor: “This Fly Spray is not working. I’m still having to walk everywhere.”

• Tom Taylor: “I really can’t stand people who incorrectly describe things as ‘ironic’. Sometimes I consider suffocating them with a bag for life.”

• Joan Rivers: “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

• Emo Philips: “When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.”