Come Dine with Dave and end up in the soup..

Diners: contestants on the popular Channel 4 TV show
Diners: contestants on the popular Channel 4 TV show

VOICEOVER man Dave Lamb would have a field day with this soiree.

The chap who adds a dash of sauce to Channel 4’s cult tea-time TV series Come Dine With Me would be salivating at the thought of a televised dinner party with a difference - the Conservative Party.

We join Dave (Lamb, not Cam) as the opening credits roll and his sarcasm-tipped tongue gets to work.

“It’s premier league dining this week as the PM himself steps up to the stove instead of to the Dispatch Box.

“Meet David Cameron, who says his wife Samantha tends to do all the cooking in their household.

“Oh, come on fella - don’t be so modest. We know you like to curry a few favours.

“Remember, you allowed TV cameras into your kitchen before you got the top Government job so we know you can whip up a few meals from scratch without having to resort to the microwave.”

Voiceover Dave goes on to remind viewers how the programme works: “This week, Dave will be aiming to pocket the £250,000 on offer in our dinner party challenge.

“Five contestants take it in turn to host a dinner party and are marked in secret by their fellow guests.”

The TV crew follow the PM (using a “Cam-corder”?) as he sets about arranging his home for the visit of his eminent and imminent diners.

Beginning to look flustered (he has a touch of the PMQs), the culinary challenger assembles his ingredients.

“Potatoes - check. Garden peas - check. Lamb ‘ho ho, sorry Dave’,” he chuckles to the camera as his matey gambits try to engage the commentator. “Check.”

Feeling in control, he looks in his cupboards for some rosemary. Doors slam furously as the herb is nowhere to be found. As many other contestants do, Dave resorts to tactics usually seen, somewhat appropriately, on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? - and phones a friend.

“Peter,” he gasps down the line to Mr Cruddas, co-treasurer of the Tory Party. “I’ve run out of rosemary.

“Be a good chap and nip down to Waitrose for me?”

Cruddas duly obliges and within minutes is knocking on the door of the flat at Number 11 Downing Street. Delicious smells waft from the kitchen.

Glaring at the label, Cameron then turns the heat on to the messenger. “You idiot!” he shouts. “I said I’d run out of rosemary. Why have you brought me thyme?”

Cruddas considers his words carefully. “Haven’t you seen the news? I’ve run out of time.

“Out of time, out of thyme, out of rosemary, out of sage. What difference does it make? I think our goose is well and truly cooked!”