Get the Hump - and waltz off with a winner!

Composed: Engelbert Humperdinck
Composed: Engelbert Humperdinck

When I heard the news, I nearly fell off my soapbox.

An April fool’s joke? No, it’s only March. I didn’t even know that he was still alive, let along continuing to exercise his vocal cords.

But yes, it’s true - one of our great crooners, Engelbert Humperdinck, is to represent the UK in this year’s Eurovision Song Contest.

Let’s face it, if we’re going to take this competition seriously, we’ve got to do something. Insipid songs sung by instantly forgettable warblers just won’t cut any ice with those countries that vote tactically - or deliberately don’t give us any points because we’re occupying some corner of a foreign field.

This could be, if not the last throw of the dice, the best throw we’ll get for some considerable time.

So in May, the Leicestershire-born crooner formerly known as Arnold Dorsey will haul his 76-year-old frame out on to the stage at the Azerbaijani capital Baku to belt out a tune written by a duo who’ve worked with some of the biggest names in pop.

Will he be afraid? No. There will be no rabbit-in-the-headlights moment for this seasoned entertainer.

In normal circumstances, a quality song performed by a music legend would guarantee us top spot. Not land us with the “nul points” and slip-sliding position we have endured for many years now.

But the masterstroke lies not in the singer, nor yet in the song. The clue’s in the name.

Because the original Engelbert Humperdinck was a 19th -century German composer. What better way to get our lederhosen-clad, bratwurst-eating chums on side?

Ve hav vays of vinning zis contest, you know!